I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
