this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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