words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
