one two three fourrrrnication!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
