definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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