remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
