The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
