Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
