eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
