To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
