I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
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