how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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