i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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