good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
