So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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