Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
