Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
