Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
