if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
