i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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