my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
