Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I am one with the molecules
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
