dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
