my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
What drink are we having for lunch?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
