walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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