He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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