I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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