What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
