He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
