i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You are the jesus of drinking
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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