how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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