ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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