Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
