Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
