Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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