I should be sponsored by Trojan
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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