I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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