Kiss
Puke
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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