you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Do you remember whose house we're in?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
