Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
