My friends, they love my intelligence
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
