OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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