the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
