last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
