i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
