Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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