I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
pray to the hookup gods
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
