were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I fill condoms, not promises.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
