We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
