She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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