Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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