You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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