so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
