i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
