forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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